Twice a Dream
by Fainn
Summary: Hikaru dreams of someone...Shounen Ai Warning


I was a little bored one day and wrote this. My friend's been bugging me for this for...about three months .;; (you know who you are) so I just wanted to thank her for...uh...inspiring me. o.O

This _is_ a twincest fic, so if you don't like it, don't read it. The italicized words in the beginning are from the song "How Can I Live without You" by Il Nino, a song included in the Ouran fan soundtrack (check it out!) which was what really inspired this. 

This is the longest thing I've ever written, yah, so be nice peoples! .

**Title:** Twice a Dream  
**Author:** Fainn  
**Rating:** PG (Shounen-Ai.)  
**Pairing:** Hikaru/Kaoru  
**Number of Words:** 7090  
**Disclaimer:** YES! YES IT'S MINE. No, fine, not really.  
**Warning:** Uh...did I mention it's twincest?

**Twice a Dream**

_Do you think of me?  
Do you dream of me?  
I always dream about you._  
---

Hikaru doesn't remember much about the time he was born.  
Who does? Sometimes he closes his eyes and attempts to recreate the scene. White hospital walls, the rush of cold air that enveloped his body…he closes his eyes and tries to remember what he felt that moment—that single moment, by himself, crying on the bed sheets. The only time in his life where he was alone.  
He doesn't remember. It's impossible to remember that exact feeling at that exact time and place. Six minutes later and that feeling was gone…probably replaced by the bewilderment that someone else was with him.  
---

By the time he was three, Hikaru had gotten used to the fact that there were two of him. There was always someone to play with, always someone who could understand him when the adults were gone and boredom set in.  
He could speak—a little. He'd always thought he was the smarter one, as he was always the one to learn things first. His first word had been "syrup," for practical purposes only, and within an hour of his revelation Kaoru had been saying it too. Hikaru learned to run before he could walk, and as soon as he began to chase the cook around the house Kaoru learned and did it too. Sometimes Kaoru was a little slow on things, but Hikaru eventually discovered that they could get much more done if Hikaru taught him. By the time they were five, they'd established a reputation for being the two trickiest, demonic, and utterly adorable children on the face of the planet.  
---

One of his earliest memories was when he was five. There was a tall cupboard in the attic, and as soon as they were old enough to climb the twins were constantly daring themselves up there. The attic had nice, musky smell that reminded Hikaru of his mother, and when she was away (which she was, a lot) he dragged Kaoru up there to play. The butler always managed to clean up after their messes, and the twins took for granted that as long as they were around, the attic would be available for use.  
On this particular morning, their mother was away on a business trip and the twins were once again in the attic. Hikaru turned, watching Kaoru climb the last stair with a tired sigh. "Hurry up! Cook is gonna find us!"  
Kaoru scowled, wrinkling his nose in distaste as he flicked some dust off his clothes. "Okay." Hikaru stuck his tongue out, "Last one up is a rotten egg!"  
"Shut up." Kaoru looked a little mad. Hikaru complied. He held out his hand and attempted to help Kaoru up to his feet, but when Kaoru kept slipping he got bored and left Kaoru to his own devices. Kaoru didn't say a word.  
Hikaru wandered around the attic, smiling a little as he admired his haven. The dull morning light from outside served to highlight the room's defects, making it seem more dingy and cluttered then ever. Hikaru loved it.  
"Kaoru! Get over here!" Hikaru heard a quick scrambling of footsteps before Kaoru joined him at his side.  
"You see that?"  
Kaoru blinked, "What?"  
"_That_." Hikaru pointed at the top of a cupboard in the back corner, half-covered with a moth-eaten red cloth.  
"Oh, _that_." Kaoru nodded, "What about it?"  
Hikaru smirked, turning to his companion and delighted in his twin's curiosity. "Wouldn't it be fun to climb it?"  
Kaoru considered this carefully, "No."  
"_WHAT!_"  
"…it's awfully high." Kaoru looked nervously at the cupboard.  
Hikaru huffed, annoyed, "That's just because you're scared."  
"I'm not scared." The twins glowered at each other, matching glares gracing their faces.  
"Climb it then."  
"I don't want to. Why don't _you_?"  
"It was my idea—of course I don't have to do it." Hikaru didn't understand. Shouldn't Kaoru be listening?  
"But if it was _your_ idea, that means _I_ don't have to do it."  
"Says who?"  
After a few more minutes of heated debate, Hikaru decided to be gracious. "Fine. If you're so scared, we'll both do it."  
Kaoru looked a little skeptical, but nodded his head in agreement.  
Little by little, foot by foot, the twins climbed up the cupboard. Since the cupboard was covered in artfully designed carvings and handles, it wasn't hard to find a notch, step into it, use hands to find another notch, etc., etc. until they finally reached the top.  
"That wasn't so bad, was it?"  
Kaoru rubbed a scraped elbow, "'Course not." They decided to play "I Spy" for awhile until Hikaru got bored. Yawning loudly, he started to climb down.  
Kaoru grabbed Hikaru's sleeve. "Where are you going?"  
"Down."  
Kaoru bit his lip, "Down?"  
"Of course. If we got up, we hafta go down sometime too."  
"O-okay."  
"What? You scared?"  
Kaoru nodded. Hikaru snarled. To be quite honest, he wasn't in the most patient of moods today, and Kaoru's little argument before left his supply of "Brotherly Love" quite depleted.  
"C'mon, you scaredy-cat. It's not bad."  
Kaoru shook his head.  
"See? There's lots of stuff to cushion you if you fall."  
Still no.  
"I'll help you."  
Nope.  
"Oh, c'mon!" And with that Hikaru pushed Kaoru off. It wasn't until he saw Kaoru's wide eyes falling rapidly towards the ground that he'd realized what he'd done.  
"**KAORU!**" Panicking, Hikaru did the one thing he could: he jumped off with him. It hadn't occurred to him that he might've made the situation worse—only that his brother needed him and that he had to do something. It was the first time he'd done something truly bad, and it tore at his heart as he heard a dull crunch of bone as Kaoru landed.  
"**_KAORU!_**" His landing was less than perfect, falling on both of his knees and sliding along the ground. Afterwards, he'd complain about the scrapes on his knees. Kaoru was lying on the ground, biting back tears and holding his ankle.  
Hikaru knew now that Kaoru had just gotten a broken ankle, but back then he thought his brother was dying. It wasn't until the butler came by and mother got home and the grief of loss and the pain in his chest receded that he began to realize that he and Kaoru were now inseparable.  
---

Hikaru's in the attic now. The cupboard's still there. Its colors have faded away over time, and grey dust is beginning to settle into his hair. He turns, half-expecting Kaoru to be there with him.  
---

"Hey…listen. I'm sorry about—"  
"Shut up. It's okay. Doesn't hurt much anymore."  
"…it hurts."  
"Are you okay?"  
"Do you want me to stay here?  
"…okay."  
---

Hikaru remembers more of the recent years. Their first day of elementary school, their first shared ice cream cone. The day their mother took them shopping in Paris—the time their father took them fishing. A kaleidoscope of memories litters the winding path of his thoughts…he only hopes he can sort them out.  
---

Their first day of middle school, the twins discovered a feeling that made their blood run cold. They never knew something so black could exist in the world, and it surprised and frightened them. The name of that feeling was love.  
There was little girl in their English class. She had long black hair and eyes the prettiest shade of blue. She sat in the front row, twirling her braids between her fingers, long lashes framing a dreamy smile. The first time the twins saw her she'd smiled, and it was then that they deemed her "The One."  
They'd never been very good at planning. Hormones were new to them and so were girls. They'd never seen a creature so beautiful before, having only seen each other. The twins agreed that they wanted her, and ownership was not a problem. She'd have them both…never one or the other. Jealousy hadn't existed then.  
They'd tried everything they could to get close to her—just little things, like sharpening her pencils and holding her books for her. She always smiled and blushed and laughed, and Hikaru marveled at how glorious it was to have such a magnificent creature by his side. Kaoru liked her too, and it was their combined love for her that made her shine even brighter.  
All good things come with a price. The twins were never very good with money. Hikaru looks back and frowns at this particular memory. It was about three months into middle school and the other boys had begun to notice the twins' attentions. That was when they began threatening Hikaru, and that was alright as long as they still had her, but then they started threatening _Kaoru_, and _that_ infuriated Hikaru and made him mad.  
The fight happened after school, outside the school gates, far from the prying eyes of the teachers. _She_ wasn't there of course; she'd always hated violence. It was the twins against a gang of four, an obvious handicap for the twins. Apparently justice didn't exist then either, because by all means the twins should have lost and the gang should have won, but by some freak accident Hikaru found himself on top of the gang leader, dislocating his arm. Kaoru was on the side, yelling, then the others were yelling, and then it was all over.  
Mother wanted them out of the school, saying something about things being difficult. Hikaru said it was okay—they'd learned their lesson. They'd never love again.  
---

"We're alone, aren't we?"  
"No way. I've got you, don't I?"  
"…everyone hates us."  
"No way. We've got each other, right?"  
---

The day they met Suou Tamaki was a revelation. The twins were sitting off to the side, an isolated table away from straying eyes. Apparently, even _that_ wasn't enough to keep Suou away.  
The blond boy was smiling, but Hikaru sensed something sinister. Unconsciously, he leaned over, half-shielding Kaoru from the sight.  
"Yoo! Hitachiins!"  
Hikaru narrowed his eyes, "What do you want, Suou?"  
Still smiling. "A friendly chat. Is it alright for me to sit here?"  
Hikaru glared, "No." Kaoru remained silent, matching glare drilling into Suou's eyes.  
Suou seemed to back off a bit, "Hey, hey, okay…no harm done. Just checking."  
They thought they'd gotten rid of Suou that day. How wrong they were.  
---

"…Suou invited me—no, _us_ to a picnic Saturday at lunch."  
"What of it?"  
"…want to go?"  
"Hell no."  
"…"  
"What time?"  
---

Things progressed slowly. It'd taken a while for the twins to open up to anyone. Thank god that Tama was—_is_ a pushy, stubborn person.  
---

"Ooh, look, a frog!"  
"…I'm sorry sir, but I find that incredibly stupid."  
"Eh?"  
"I agree with Hikaru. Why don't you get a life and stop following us around?"  
"…w-what did you say?"  
"Um, I believe we just called you an obnoxious sore loser."  
"Not to mention a pain in the ass."  
"Oh, _puh-leaze_. You only hate me because you're not _nearly_ as beautiful as I am. Really, try to contain your jealousy better—it's terribly unappealing when people scowl."  
"…"  
"…"  
"What are you guys…are you ill? Vomiting? _Wait a minute_…are you **_laughing?_**"  
---

Against their will, Suou had broken through their defenses. The guy was…interesting. Incredibly dumb, sure. A total drama queen, too. Hikaru had a terrible suspicion that Suou was only going to get even more intolerable with age…like an aging piece of cheese or something. Either way, he made them smile. It was in that way that he became their friend…the one bridge connecting the worlds of _Us_ and _Them_ together.  
---

The others had followed…some willingly, some not. Either way, the twins discovered the worlds not only of Tama, but of Kyoya, Mori, and Hunny. They discovered the world of Girls—don't get them wrong, they still didn't want one in their lives. They did, however, find a luxurious playground in this world: a playground they could so easily manipulate. With the creation of the Host Club, they only found their world expanding with life and fun…and the twins were closer than ever.  
---

"Hikaru, wait up!"  
"What?"  
"You have lipstick on your collar?"  
"Really? How?"  
"Here—it's gone."  
"…how in the world did I get _lipstick_ on my collar?"  
"You tell _me_. Were you wearing it yourself?"  
"Uh, **no**. I suppose one of the fangirls must've gotten…overzealous."  
"…tell her to back off."  
---

Hikaru's getting tired. Still…he doesn't want to leave yet. For the past few hours he's felt so calm…something he hasn't felt in a long time. An aching feeling is growing in his heart—is it loneliness? He wants to savor it for a little longer. A few more memories…  
---

Haruhi is his most recent memory. The day she first stumbled into the Host Club, the day the twins' lives changed forever. Sweet, innocent, intelligent Haruhi…never failing to provide the twins with a bit of good light-hearted fun.  
The first time they'd met she'd been so bewildered. Like a trapped mouse, really—eyes shifting from corner to corner, fists clenching and unclenching with nervous energy. Hikaru's first thought was that he wanted more of that: more of the other boy's (for he thought she was a boy) misery.  
He couldn't possibly have known that he'd grow to care for her so much. There was something special, almost irresistible about the girl's innocence…  
---

"Hikaru-kun?"  
"Yes, Haruhi-_kun_?"  
"I have a question. I'm not exactly sure if this is appropriate or not, but—"  
"Ask away, commoner!"  
"What the—! never mind. Hikaru, why do you flirt with both girls _and_ Kaoru?"  
"What, Haruhi? Does it…_bother_ you?"  
"No, I'm not jealous. And that arm maneuver only works when Kaoru's around."  
"Damn. Where's your other half when you need him?"  
"…well, what I meant was, are you ever _serious_ about girls?"  
"I'm serious about _you_, Haruhi-kun."  
"WHAT? No, fine, I get it, but…when you guys fall in love, won't that be a problem?"  
---

Hikaru smiles a little. A bitter, unforgiving smile. The question that started it all…  
---

Lying in bed alone, Hikaru's mind wandered back to that conversation. Hikaru had brushed the incident aside for the better part of the week, and it wasn't until tonight that he'd actually thought about it. The comment was _interesting_, for sure, and it wasn't like Haruhi to mention it. In fact, aside from the occasional fangirl or two, _no one_ had ever questioned the dynamics of the Hikaru/Kaoru relationship.  
God knew they were close. Hell, there are times in which Hikaru feels like he can't breathe, times when he can't eat, times when he feels something _missing_ and strangely enough, they all correspond with times Kaoru isn't there. Hikaru breathes in and out, breathes Kaoru in and out, and there's something so instinctively **one** about them that he can't distinguish between his thoughts and Kaoru's. There were times when the world's grip grew too tight and Hikaru's felt like he was dying, but during those times there had always been the two of them to fight it. As long as they were together, they were invincible. Darkness, Fear, Depression simply could not break down the wall they formed together; there's safety and strength in numbers, and they were always one step ahead of the world as two.  
They both knew how normal identical twins were supposed to be like. They knew exactly what others of their kind angsted and wept about at night. They saw others fight and snarl and understood them but couldn't possibly understand the hatred. As long as he could remember, he'd only fought with Kaoru once in his life. They had both been young, insecure things and one day had finally cracked under the pressure. That time Hikaru had hated himself for his weakness, hated himself for his inability to open to others, and after all this self-hatred looked up to find the mirror image of himself with the exact same problems he had. Double the self, double the frustration, double the angst. They'd fought for all of four hours, spending the next twenty in each other's arms compensating.  
They never fought anymore. They'd matured over the years, whether anyone noticed it or not. They still played pranks, drank maple syrup, tricked the neighbors every Saturday morning…but all of this they did in perfect unison. They became reflections of each other, you know, "Mirror mirror on the wall" and all that crap.  
They'd even taken to playing each others' lovers. They teased each other and exchanged innuendos in front of everyone in the Host Club, and all members delighted in this erotic and dire sin. Of course, no one thought it was serious. If they thought it was, Hikaru knew they'd have their hands full with more sin and angst than they could manage…twincest was a lot more forbidden than everyone treated it, and Hikaru knew that homosexuality didn't look great on a resume either. Hikaru wasn't homosexual, and neither was his brother.  
But…  
(How much of this is real?)  
---  
_  
List of Things My Wife should Be  
Sweet Not annoying  
Cute Not Hunny  
Smart  
Someone like Haruhi  
Intellectually stimulating  
Match my hair color Willing to dye hair pink  
Good in bed super hot body  
Able to read minds my mind  
Good cook rich enough to hire one  
Good housekeeper always within limits  
Good at everything in general but not better than me  
Not arrogant Not Kyoya  
Not a drama queen Not Tamaki  
Tall but not too tall Not Mori  
Someone like a super model not emaciated  
Likes maple syrup  
Someone like Kaoru _  
---

"…Hikaru? You awake?"  
"Hmm, yeah. Can't sleep when you're not."  
"Same. Thinking about the club."  
"Haruhi?"  
"Yeah."  
"…what about?"  
"Girl's too smart for her own good. Ruined our guessing game completely."  
"Yeah. We need a better one."   
"We'll think of one in the morning. On Saturday."  
"You can sleep, you know."  
"Yeah. Get over here."  
"…"  
"…"  
"Bad?"  
"No, not at all. Sleep now."  
---

"Hikaru? Hi. Ka. Ru. Wake up, dumbass!"  
Hikaru feels like smiling under the covers. At least one thing was reliable in the world; Kaoru would always wake him up in the mornings.  
"What did you say?" Kaoru shook him a bit, yanking his head off the pillows.  
"'m said, I'm up already!" Hikaru made a vague motion with his arm, "You go first!"  
By "going first," Hikaru was referring to the shower. He knew the fangirls would have a field day if they knew the twins sometimes showered together, and kept that handy fact in the corner of his mind labeled "FOR USE IN EMERGENCY ONLY." On weekdays they showered together to save time. On weekends they showered alone.  
Kaoru shrugged, "Your loss."  
By the time he'd gotten out of the shower, Hikaru was up and about, scowling slightly as he sifted through a pile of clothes. Kaoru frowned a bit at the image. It wasn't that he found his twin's messiness _distasteful_, or anything (he was the same, after all), but…was that _his_ underwear Hikaru was holding?  
"Hey. Hey hey hey hey! Watch what you're doing!"  
Hikaru groaned, "Where's my stuff?"  
"Not here, bro. Out of my way." Kaoru bent down started picking up the mess, throwing his stuff this way and that as Hikaru watched with entirely too much interest.  
"…what?" Kaoru smirked, "Finally getting in touch with your inner Narcissist?"  
"Yeah," Hikaru leered, "Care to give me a demonstration?"  
Kaoru shook his head and smiled, "No need. No one's watching, remember?"  
Hikaru fell silent. Kaoru turned to see Hikaru, eyes wide like saucers, staring with a sort of horrified expression on his face. "…um, what?"  
Hikaru blinked a few times and nodded, "Nothing. Hey, what are we doing today anyway?"  
Kaoru sifted through his mental files, "…nothing. Providing Tamaki doesn't call us over, we have an empty schedule."  
"…shall we set the house on fire?"  
"I'll get the kerosene."  
---

Granted, Hikaru had always been the one to figure things out a little sooner. It'd only taken a week for him to realize what had happened. And once again, Haruhi was there to figure it out.  
---

Hikaru groaned, attempting to bash his brains out with Haruhi's cupboard. Hell, he didn't even know why he was doing this in the first place! It'd all started with that stupid dare, and stupid Kaoru, and stupid Host Club for forcing him to honor his word.  
"Do you know _why_ they're doing this to us?"  
Haruhi raised an eyebrow, "I believe it had something to do with a certain _someone_, and a certain _book_, and a certain birthday party for the certain someone."  
Hikaru pouted, "It's not my fault that Kaoru's a 'Death Note' fan! I mean, trust me—I'd _never_ go for something like myself!"  
"I'm not so sure…after all, you _are_ usually the more evil one."  
"Hello?" Hikaru raised his right hand, jingling the silver handcuff for notice, "_I'm_ the evil twin?"  
Haruhi sighed and rubbed her handcuffed left hand with a long-suffering sigh, "I guess my opinion is inclined to change at the moment."  
"Thank you." Hikaru sighed and leaned against his chair. "How much longer do we have to do this?"  
"I believe we have fourteen more hours of glorious, hand-cuffed fun."  
---

"Haruhi…how much time do we have left?"  
"Twelve more hours."  
"…are we…sleeping together then?"  
"I suppose."  
"…can we make inappropriate noises so that Tama gets jealous?"  
"I am _not_ doing **anything** inappropriate with you, Hikaru-kun."  
"…"   
"…"  
"Can we snuggle?"  
"No."  
"…"  
"…hey…don't bury your face in the covers like that—Hikaru? Are you crying?"  
"Hell no."  
"Try not to suffocate yourself, okay?"  
"…"  
"You _are_ crying."  
"Shut up."  
"There's nothing wrong, right?"  
"'Course there is. I know why he did this."  
"Who?"  
"Kaoru. I know why he handcuffed us together."  
"…why?"  
"He thinks I'm in love with you."  
"…"  
"…"  
"…Kaoru's an idiot then."  
"…"  
"I would be correct in assuming that he's wrong?"  
"Yeah."  
"So don't worry about it. No hard feelings, okay?"  
"Yeah."  
"Why are you still crying?"  
"…"  
"…Hikaru?"  
"…"  
"You miss him, don't you?"  
"…can you read minds?"  
"No…"  
"…"  
"…well…you're screwed, aren't you?"  
"Pretty much."  
"Are you sure though? I mean, incest is a pretty big deal…even if the fangirls love it."  
"…I guess I'm not _that_ sure. It's just…I don't know."  
"Okay, well…if you need help or something…"  
"Yeah."  
"…"  
"Hey Haruhi?"  
"Hm?"  
"…thanks."  
"…you're welcome. Good luck."  
---

Being in love this time around was different than last time. For one, Hikaru can't get away from this. Kaoru's been with him ever since...forever. It's impossible to run away.  
Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe all this homo-stuff has invaded his subconscious or something, and this isn't real. Maybe this is just an infatuation…  
…but part of him wishes it isn't.  
---  
_  
List of Things Kaoru's Wife Should Be  
Stupid  
Ugly  
Old  
Jealous  
Greedy  
Fat  
Stingy  
Scheming  
Utterly undesirable  
Plots/Kyoya  
Someone like me_  
---

Hikaru knows he can't run away. He's going to try anyway.  
Every day after school, under the farce that he's working on a science project, he locks the attic door and shuts the windows. Right now, he's willing to do anything to separate himself from Kaoru.  
Hopefully whatever he has isn't contagious. He doesn't want Kaoru to feel like this…ever.  
---

"Haruhi-kun!"  
"Yes, Kaoru?"  
Hikaru watches them from the corner of his eye. They're talking, Kaoru touching Haruhi entirely too much for comfort. He's smiling, reminding Hikaru of what he's supposed to be doing. He bends down to pour tea for a guest.  
"Thank you, Hikaru!" The girl smiles and flutters her eyelashes—she's very pretty. Hikaru's smirk comes naturally, "Anything for a pretty lady like you."  
He hears a loud shriek behind him, and before he has time to turn around a girl squeals, "Oh my god, Kaoru-kun just kissed Haruhi-kun!"  
Hikaru sees pieces of his world falling with the teapot, and as he's cleaning up the shards he realizes that it'll never be put back together.  
---

"Hikaru? Is something wrong? You look…distraught."  
"Why is that? I'm smiling."  
"Hikaru—it was nothing but a joke. Kaoru didn't mean anything by it. You don't have to worry."  
"Worry about what? Oh, Kaoru! There you are! How cruel of you, to steal Haruhi away right under my nose!"  
"I'm so sorry, brother. But you _did_ have your chance!"  
"…yeah. I had my chance."  
---

Haruhi and Kaoru are now a couple. Of course, only a pretend couple. Haruhi has denied fervently that they have any romantic feelings for each other, but to Hikaru, the damage has been done. Tamaki's furious, Kyoya's greedy, Hunny's excited, Mori's indifferent, and Hikaru's tragically depressed.   
If one bothered to look closely, however, they'd see that Hikaru was happy. Even Haruhi's surprised by this…she guesses that Hikaru got over his little crush.  
But if anyone bothered to look even closer, to look deep within Hikaru's almond eyes and into his heart, they'd find him…  
…surprisingly empty.  
---

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"  
"I told you. I'm going to Alaska. My dad just opened a new business there, and I'm going to go help the start up."  
"No, I meant, _why_ the hell do you think you're going?"  
"I have the tickets!"  
"Please, I'm serious!"  
"Yes…I'm sure we'd all like to know."  
"Kyoya, I know you're concerned with Kaoru's appeal without me, and how the Host Club's finances are going to suffer, but I've made up my mind."  
"You'll send me absence fees?"  
"Yes."  
"Okay then."  
"Kyoya! How can you agree to this?"  
"What, he said he'll pay the absence fees!"  
"…we'll miss you, Hikaru!"  
"Thanks, I think." _So will I._  
---

It's dark now. Hikaru knows he's skipped dinner and that it's time to get up, but he still doesn't want to leave. Still, there's nothing left for him here and he gets up, trying not to think about the things he's leaving behind.  
He'll be missed…and that's good enough, for now.  
---

_A series of dreams…does it mean anything?  
Kaoru…  
Why are you crying?  
Are you lonely?  
Are you lonely?  
**I am.**_  
---

Morning comes, and he's glad. He doesn't have much in his bags—he tried to pack things that belonged to him and him only. There wasn't much to pack.  
He's surprised when he hears someone behind him. Kaoru is there, and the bags he's carrying look much heavier than Hikaru's.  
"What are you doing here?" Hikaru's eyes are wide, with fear and hope and something else.  
Kaoru blinks, as if the entire thing was obvious, "I'm carrying our bags."  
_Our?_ Hikaru doesn't get it, and he stares, bewildered.  
"What? You thought you were going alone?" Kaoru's glaring at Hikaru.  
"Why?"  
"Well, I thought it was obvious that we'd be together always, and if you were going I was going." Kaoru shrugged, "Besides, you've been locking yourself in the attic all these days and doing random stuff like not eating and angsting, so I thought it'd be better if someone came along and made sure you didn't kill yourself along the way."  
Hikaru smiles, "I'm not going to kill myself."  
"I thought you didn't angst either." Kaoru smiles back.  
Before Hikaru can blink the two brothers are together, Kaoru's arms crushing his neck in a fierce hug. Hikaru absent-mindedly thought that this display of affection would be a hit in the Host Club.  
"What about Haruhi?"  
Kaoru stares, "What _about_ Haruhi?"  
"Aren't you going to miss her?"  
"Well, I'm going to miss everybody."  
"So am I."  
"I never knew you were into this Alaska-business."  
"I'm not."  
"Then…" Kaoru's eyes widened with understanding, "Oh. Are you…trying to run away?"  
Hikaru curses in his mind—why did Kaoru have to know him so well? For the millionth time in his life, he wishes they weren't brothers.  
Kaoru's staring, seemingly trying to fathom something. Finally, he breaks the silence.  
"…did you really get mad over that jealousy scenario?"  
"**_WHAT!_**"  
"You know, the jealousy scenario. I was reading shoujo manga when I came up with it."  
Hikaru's getting a sinking, nauseous feeling in his stomach. "You read…shoujo manga?"  
Kaoru shrugged, "Yeah, whatever. Anyways, that whole dating-Haruhi thing was just to make you jealous. The plan was that you'd get so jealous you'd confess to her and the two of you would live happily ever after, or something."  
Hikaru's head is spinning. He feels like dying, "…What the hell, Kaoru? I **told** you that I don't like Haruhi! Why don't you just accept that?"  
"Well, I always assumed that you were in denial. If I were in love, I'd be the same." Kaoru's eyes are a mirror of Hikaru. Hikaru gazes and wonders, and he can't help it as he says,  
"That was stupid of you. Don't butt in to my business anymore."  
(Don't you understand?)  
Kaoru looks genuinely hurt, "Hey, look, I was looking out for you, okay? I mean, you're the one who's always been after me since we were kids…figured it was time to repay that."  
Hikaru snarls—he's mad now. He didn't believe he could _feel_ emotion anymore, not after the Kaoru/Haruhi incident, but now he's _definitely_ feeling **something** and whatever it is, it's making him **mad**.  
"Hell, Kaoru! You don't have to repay me for _anything!_ All that stuff when we were kids…doesn't matter anymore. Not like we remember it anyways."  
(You don't owe me anything. I love you.)  
"Yeah, well…" Kaoru's definitely hurt now. His eyes are starting to smolder and he's clenching his jaw, "I was just trying to help you out! I don't get why you're so mad at me anyway, if you don't like Haruhi in the first place! I was looking at you all these months and noticing and you've been distracted and saddened and _depressed_ and I knew you were in love but had no clue _who_—just, why didn't you tell me? I could help, you know! I'm not **completely useless** anymore, I—"  
"Shut up! You're meddling in _my_ business—find your own life to look after! I'm sick of this twin business and whole 'brotherly love' thing! Go to hell!"  
(Stay by my side forever.)  
---

Kaoru's eyes stared, drilling holes into Hikaru's skull as he tried to interpret the meaning of his brother's words. There was something terrible in Hikaru's eyes, those eyes that could be so expressive and cold at the same time. Something about what Hikaru was saying just didn't fit, but Kaoru couldn't for the life of him figure out what was wrong. He felt like his brother was on an island, some far-off distant island, drifting farther and farther away until Kaoru could no longer reach him. What happened to their closeness? All those years of love and care…could they have disappeared in such a short time?  
---

Watching Kaoru's face absorb the shock of the statement, Hikaru toys with the idea of telling Kaoru he loves him. It would be amusing, of course. Amusing in dark, now-my-world-is-ending kind of way, but amusing nonetheless. All he had to do was push Kaoru away…horribly cliché, he knew, but it was the only thing he could think of. He didn't work so hard on this Alaska project for it to fail now…he mustn't let Kaoru come with him.  
---

Watching Hikaru's face twist and turn with demonic anger, Kaoru wonders if there's any possible way to make the ugliness go away. He hated seeing Hikaru like that, with a face so dark and sinister it reminded him of his own. He knew that if he let Hikaru go like this, he'd forever have this image imprinted in his mind…he doesn't want that.  
Kaoru wants the Hikaru of laughter and smiles, of evil and games. Kaoru wants the Hikaru who stood by his side through elementary, middle, and high school. Kaoru wants Hikaru in a place far, far away from Alaska, away from the finality of good-bye and permanent separation.  
Kaoru wants Hikaru to find love.  
Kaoru doesn't want the Hikaru that cried himself to sleep. Kaoru doesn't want the Hikaru who laughed and smiled and broke in the Host Club. Kaoru doesn't want the Hikaru who locks himself in the attic, in pursuit of some ephemeral fantasy that his problems will disappear.  
Kaoru doesn't want Hikaru to go.  
---

"…say what you want. I'm not going to let you go without me."  
"And who the hell do you think you are? Think you can stop me?"  
"Not think. _Know_. I _know_ you're not going without me because I've made up my mind, and regardless of whether or not you want me I'll always stay by your side."  
"And if I don't want you by my side?"  
"Tough luck."  
"Kaoru, you're making a big mistake."  
"Nothing short of death—scratch that. Even _death_ won't be able to stop me from staying with you."  
"Kaoru, listen—"  
"Hell no I won't listen! I've listened enough, and all I've heard is about how great your life is without me and how independent you are but what I _see_ is that you're dying, Hikaru! You're sick, you're weak, you're not eating right and you're either dying or in love—"  
"Kaoru—"  
"—and even if you _are_ in love how in hell am I supposed to know who it is? So I just keep guessing and guessing and I guessed wrong and now—"  
"Kaoru, I love you."  
"—you'll never get rid of me and I always thought that we told each other **everything** and— **_WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?_**"  
Hikaru's eyes are downcast, and without another word turns and jumps into the car.  
---

Kaoru's immobilized by shock. He thought he heard Hikaru say something impossible, but he's probably going deaf anyway so he didn't hear clearly, so while he organizes his thoughts he just stands there and watches the car start up and leave the driveway.  
It doesn't occur to him until _later_ that this could be a problem, seeing as the car is leaving for Alaska and he might not see Hikaru for awhile.  
Kaoru's never been exceptional at sprinting. Yeah, he's good at long distance, but right now he needs to sprint so he can catch up to the car. Since it's the morning traffic rush, he thinks he can catch up to the car at the traffic light, but no matter how he screams or shouts Hikaru keeps urging the chauffeur to drive faster, not slower.  
Somewhere along the way, Kaoru remembers taking some kid's bicycle. It was a lot faster this way, and Kaoru's already exhausted by the time they get to the toll bridge.  
---

"**STOP THAT CAR!**"  
Hikaru pokes his head out the window. Kaoru looks tired…and sweaty. He shakes his head and concentrates on his goal. He's tired? Too bad. He deserves his own taste of hell.  
Hikaru doesn't know what possessed him to say it. Probably he just wanted to find a way to get Kaoru to shut up. He should've known this wouldn't pull over so well—after all, most people don't just say "I love you" and run away in a car. He guesses he should've planned it out better but—oh yeah! He didn't have a plan to start with.  
Damn. Another traffic jam. Kaoru's actually gaining. Hikaru decides he might as well cut his losses. He gets out of the car and runs.  
---

Kaoru sees Hikaru leaping out of the car and dashing down the sidewalk. Part of him is amused that the other drivers are staring at them with bewildered expressions. Most of him doesn't care.  
Kaoru throws the bike down and runs. He's desperate, Hikaru's not, and he's starting to gain. Hikaru looks back, his gaze full of…panic. Fear. Kaoru knows he should care about how his brother's feeling. Too bad he doesn't.  
He understands that he probably looks murderous as he closes in on his prey. Hikaru almost trips. He pounces on Hikaru just as his brother falls, and the two tumble on the concrete.  
His knees are aching, his joints are aching, but Hikaru just won't keep still. Hikaru snarls, still fearful, and the two have an impromptu wrestling match on the spot. Both would later agree that this was their greatest concoction yet. Too bad the fangirls weren't around to watch.  
The two are equally matched in strength, size, and pretty much everything else. Kaoru realizes this could take a while and tries to tell that to Hikaru.  
Hikaru just snarls, "Why don't you get off of me then?"  
"Not 'til you explain yourself."  
Hikaru flinches, "Never."  
Kaoru thinks he's winning. He has the advantage, he's on top, etc., etc., but in his excitement he doesn't realize just how close he and Hikaru are to the ledge. Kaoru stumbles for a second, and that's all it takes for Hikaru to kick him off…  
…off the bridge, that is.  
---

You see, this is how the picture looks. The toll bridge is a long, wide concrete monstrosity, with sidewalks on either side that no one's really supposed to use. Below is the Kusiro River. By Japanese standards, it's pretty deep. There's a bungee club that uses this site each weekend for group lessons, but besides that no one's really that try their luck diving off this thing. No one ever installed safety rails on the sidewalks—was there really reason to? I mean, what idiot would jump off a bridge, eh?  
Did we mention Kaoru is an idiot?  
---

As Hikaru watched his twin falling off the bridge, the first thing he thought of was the complete idiocy of the entire situation. Never in his life would he have thought that something like this would happen…life-and-death experiences only happened in fantasy novels. It never occurred to him that something of that magnitude would ever happen to him, so obviously he never prepared himself mentally "just in case".  
Now, however, seeing Kaoru slowly disappear down into the abyss, he knew Kaoru was dying.  
Let's say that you were split into two pieces. Each half of you was exactly alike, and each half of you liked the other very much. If the whole world, disappeared, would the two halves of you care? Probably not.  
But what if one half of you disappeared? Would it matter if the whole world was still there? Would it matter that you could be happy and healthy and live without your other half? Would it matter if you just confessed your undying love to your other half and if you died with your other half, he might still hate you in the afterlife?  
Hikaru didn't care how Kaoru felt about him anymore. All he knew at that moment was that if Kaoru was going down, he would go down with him.  
He jumped off the bridge.  
---  
_  
Dear **Mrs. Hitachiin**:  
I can't begin to convey my sorrow at the news. I understand that there were times you wanted them gone, or dead, or something like that, so I can't begin to say how sorry I am for this. Please don't feel guilty—you probably couldn't have done anything to change it._

Sincerely,  
**Mr. Nakamura**  
Principal of Ouran Koukou   
---  
_  
Dear **Mrs. Hitachiin**:  
I can't believe something so terrible could have happened. Just…try to bear with it, okay? Maybe they'll go away eventually. Don't ever hesitate to call if you need a shoulder to cry on. I know a good psychiatrist who lives in the area, do you want his number?_

Sincerely,  
**Ms. Takano**  
Your Dear and Friendly Neighbor  
---

_Dear **Mrs. Hitachiin**:  
I don't know whether to congratulate or weep for you. I'm sure the rest of Ouran shares my feelings. The sad "twin" business aside, I have more pressing matters to ask you about. Hikaru and I agreed that after his departure, he would continue to send me absence fees during the time he wouldn't be working for the Host Club. Now that he and Kaoru have both (unfortunately) survived the whole "bridge" catastrophe, they've decided to continue working at the Club. Due to the terms of the signed contract (a copy of it is enclosed), your family will still have to pay the absence fees regardless of the twins' presence in our club. Again, my severe condolences—we all know you wanted to get rid of them._

Sincerely,  
**Kyoya Ootori**  
Ruler of the Universe  
---

"…Hikaru?"  
"Yes?"  
"Do you know why everyone's sending Mom funeral cards?"  
"I haven't the slightest idea. We survived, didn't we?"  
"I guess. Hey Hikaru."  
"What?"  
"You know what you said to me after we woke up?"  
"…yeah."  
"Did you mean it?"  
"Mean what?"  
"About…you know, incest and stuff."  
"Yeah…"  
"Well…?"  
"Yeah, I guess I _do_ mean that."  
"Okay."  
"…Kaoru?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Did you mean what _you_ said?"  
"Yeah."  
"…"  
"…"  
"We're idiots, aren't we?"  
"Yeah."  
"You know, I always thought we'd fall in love with the same person, and we sort of did, I guess."  
"…that's disgusting."  
"No, wait, see—we're twins, so we're sort of alike—"  
"No shit."  
"—and we fell in love with each other, y'know?"  
"…yeah."  
"…love you, Kaoru."  
"…love you too."  
"…"  
"…"  
"Is this the part where we kiss?"  
"What a fantastic idea, Hikaru!"  
"Wha—mmph!"  
---

Hikaru doesn't remember much about the time he was born.  
Who does? Sometimes he closes his eyes and attempts to recreate the scene. White hospital walls, the rush of cold air that enveloped his body…he closes his eyes and tries to remember what he felt that moment—that single moment, by himself, crying on the bed sheets. The only time in his life where he was alone.  
He doesn't remember. It's impossible to remember that exact feeling at that exact time and place. But then again…  
…why remember the past when the present is so much more beautiful?  
---  
_  
Do you dream of me, Hikaru?  
Yes. Yes, I do._


End file.
